self-love + 1 || part two

I don't know who said it. I couldn't find a definitive source. But I've heard this quote so many times in the past decade I couldn't possibly add them up. Yet, I never knew what it meant in any sort of applicable way. Accept where you are in life? Stop looking for greener grasses? Maybe.

I could never quite grasp the idea of it, and maybe it had less to do with my comprehension of a quote and more to do with the handicap I've been putting on my own life.

In the last five years I've had seven (physical) homes.
I've found "home" in so many people who are no longer a consequential part of my life.

I've boxed up, moved, boxed up, moved, donated the excess, boxed up and moved again. I'm expert now. I can transport my things from one place to another in one car trip if I put my mind to it.
When I left San Marcos I got the call to leave around 8pm and by 4 a.m. all of my belongings, in an apartment I had no intention of leaving, was ready to go.

I'm a minimalist in my own rite. And I've made more trips to Platos Closet and Goodwill then you wanna know.

What I'm trying to say is I've never tried to bloom where I was planted. The moment the soil beneath me get's a little tough to till I pull everything up by the roots and find said greener grasses.

But enough with the cliches.

I'm ready to work on myself where I am. Because I've found a home in this little life. And I want to stay here, I want this to be the home I keep. The home where my heart lives.

Sorry. I couldn't help the added cliche.

But how do you do that? How do you take a deep breath and learn to deal? That's the journey that I'm on. And I think I've found a few things to help.

1.) Accountability. Letting people know what I want, and letting them know that I'm gonna get scared and pretend I don't want it so much anymore, is important. I've learned to surround myself with people who will say "yeah, I know you're scared and I know you're sad. But, Bleah? You have to keep going."

I've surrounded myself with people who believe in my potential and believe that my desires are really what's best for me, instead of people who will let me back down or people who will try to discourage me for their own gain.

2.) Gardening. Leaning back onto the metaphor: if you don't like that grass you're in, garden it. Plant new grass.

I can't keep leaving, going to someone else's well-tending yard and neglecting it only to pick up and leave yet again. I have to stay, pull the weeds and invest in fertilizer.

What does this mean for me? It means acknowledging that yeah, my dreams are a little brown right now. A little wilty. But that doesn't mean they're dead. It means I have to keep pursuing them. I'm in a really great relationship, but I can't just hope that sun and rain all by itself will keep it healthy. I have to tend to it, take care of it.

I have a career I want to pursue, but I've gotta put myself out there and get some experience and get a degree to make that happen. I can't let fear of failure stop me.

I wish I had a third point but I'm not that far into this endeavor yet, I don't know if I can even pull these first two off. Only time will tell. But I'll keep you updated.