self-love + 1 || part one

I've read a lot of articles lately about learning to be alone. And it wasn't until today that I've been able to articulate the feeling that settles in when I see the headlines and occasionally read the articles.

Often I see an association between toxic friendships and unhealthy relationships with an inability to be alone.

I have to admit, I always wanted that to be the answer.

"Oh Bleah, you just haven't learned how to be happy by yourself. That's why these things never seem to work out."

I think in an effort to identify with this rhetoric I've erased my entire past and everything I learned from it.

You see, I spent my whole life alone. I was homeschooled and not particularly well liked by people my age growing up. I was driven and confident but I was lonely and solitary.
I was social when I needed to be but I didn't build or sustain lasting relationships. I didn't feel I needed to. I didn't correlate not being alone with investing in others. So I invested in myself and I grieved being alone, friendless.

When I'm alone -- single -- I'm the most motivated, productive, self-disciplined person on the planet. I workout and I lose weight. I study hard and I pass my classes. I pursue my dreams, keeps jobs, land internships, and make myself really proud.

But once there's someone of consequence in my life to invest in -- all of that just kind of disappears. I stop deep conditioning my hair, I stop taking long bubble baths, I stop consuming books at the speed of light, I stop writing and pursuing and fulfilling dreams. I get lazy.

So I guess you could say it dawned on me this week that maybe my issue isn't learning to be alone or love myself when no one else is around; my issue in fact may be learning to love myself when people are around, and building a life that can include my own success and the presence of others.

And thus begins some tricky road down mending that.