What's black, white, and grey all over?

“All great discoveries...are products as much of doubt as of certainty, and the two in opposition clear the air for marvelous accidents.” 

- Mark Helprin

Today I made a pot of coffee but I forgot to pour the water from the pot into the reservoir. I got angry, unplugged the whole device and walked into my room before I realized what I'd done. How I was, in fact, angry and disappointed and upset but it was because of something I hadn't seen all of the way through. I'm sure you can weed out the metaphor here.

I've been feeling angry. Disappointed. Upset. Frustrated about a lot of things lately. And the act of being constantly let down is exhausting. But what do you do when you're constantly being let down by yourself? You can blame other people, surely. Or you can accept that the circumstances you've stepped into are in fact that: circumstances that you have utterly chosen and accepted and allowed.

Normal doesn't exist except at the most base and personal level. You create your own version of normal, and if that version of normal feels abnormal then it's your job to change it.

I was recently voicing my frustrations to a friend and they told me to make a T chart which I inevitably couldn't complete.

I found that too many things fell somewhere down the middle, in a grey area. Everything at the cost or exception of something else. Everything had a subtle "but..." at the end.

And I guess that's when I realized that creating some neat and tidy pros and cons list is just ... not conducive to making a life worth living. It's conducive more to bulldozing the life you have and starting a new one.

But I'm more interested in investing in what I've already got -- the foundation is good, it could just use some touching up -- instead of scrapping everything because I lost my job, or my mental health is a little in flux, and my boyfriend and I argue about stupid things.

Instead I'm more interested in going into my proverbial house, fixer upper though it may be, and repairing it one room at a time. Until, with it, my confidence is rebuilt and everything else falls into place.

Lovely: Here and There
Making Decisions Shouldn’t Break Your Heart, But it Still Can

Chapter 2

I was sitting at work, that 150 year old building sitting on the corner of Third and Avenue E. I like this job. I love what I do. Everything else is worth it. The walk, the bus ride, the dull and quiet afternoons.

On such a dull and quiet afternoon before the new year, before 2016 caught up with 2015, yet was still on it's tails, I was thinking about college. College has been something I procrastinate, keep out of sight and out of mind. It's too hard. I wish the tests and term papers were the hardest part.

I had it all planned when I was 13, and then all planned again when I was 17, and then all planned again just a year ago. And all of those plans have fallen through like a brittle second-floor ceiling. Because they didn't just crash, or burn, but they crumbled. And I've been living with the rubble, unable to clean it up completely. The dust is making me sick.

I don't like thinking about college, I don't like thinking about it at all. But I've been in school for three years, and I know it's time to get a move on because I can't keep wearing thing the same patch of floor beneath my feet. I'm done with the pacing.

I have no solution, no plans that bring me peace. My options are vast, really. To be honest I through some things to the wind, and meticulously planned them. None of my carrier pigeons have returned though, and I'm getting worried.